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I am capable, I am strong, I am confident.

  • Writer: Natalie Anne
    Natalie Anne
  • Oct 10, 2016
  • 3 min read

With recognizing and experiencing honest feelings comes the need to exercise courage and grace. I cannot become powerful when I feel powerless if I do not arrange myself to feel capable. I cannot become together when I feel disarrayed if I do not have the strength to pick up the pieces. And I cannot become strong when I feel weak if I do not have the confidence in my self and my resilience. I can lye in my bed, feeling swallowed and defeated by my honest identification of emotion, or I can go one step further - I can recognize and I can feel, allowing my self to feel powerless, disarrayed, and weak . . .

My first blog post was about recognizing the imperfection in humanity and accepting it within myself. Now almost a year later I find myself at this same crossroads, in one direction there is regret for the decisions I have made, in another there is disappointment in the values I am endorsing, and in a third there is astonishment that I have functioned along such a blurry line of sanity for so long. I've been sitting at this crossroads for quite a while now, contemplating which emotion I should further engage and thus saturate myself with. I'm usually the person who reads a quote or hears a song and is instantly inspired. I am positive and optimistic because I am able. This competency has in the past fed my autonomy to live as an individual with certain beliefs and standards. I've taken this competency for granted for a long time as I am now a member of the "unable and incompetent feeling" club. There's a difference between being amotivated or uninspired, and feeling incompetent, it's the equivalent of feeling tired versus fatigued, it's so subtle but so significant.

So here I am a year later writing about my same imperfection from a totally different persqective.

Last year I told you that I need to recognize imperfection and accept it as fact, but it is so much more than that.

I am a human being. I am not perfect, I am destined to make mistakes, and I will at many points in life, feel unable.

With each mistake though, and with each bout of disability and incompetence, I must reflect:

Rather than harping on where I went wrong, I must stand back and recognize what I have done right, and in turn, realize who I am and what I represent. I must remind myself what I am, and what I am not. I am imperfect but I am not incompetent, and so with each defeat I must harness that competency as I work to realign myself and my life. The easiest thing to do would be to give up that ability, that ability that I know I have but am too scared to confront, to change my trajectory.

So I close my eyes, I breathe, and I tell myself that it's okay to feel this way, that it's acceptable and, dare I say, normal. Suddenly the weight of these "shameful" feelings is lifted as they are no longer stigmatized as "wrong". Balance seems to be restored and slowly my racing mind becomes quiet.

I am capable, I am strong, I am confident.

I am capable, I am strong, I am confident.

I am capable, I am strong, I am confident.

I'll be okay.


 
 
 

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