Escaping sadness will never work.
No matter how far you run, you always end up back where you started.
We build this platform and we get good at maintaining it, so much so that it turns from a platform to a lifestyle, and that's the scary part. This new lifestyle, a result of surface level beliefs and rehearsed interactions, has it been established to mask something greater? Meticulously maintained to avoid some feeling that we may not even be consciously aware that we are experiencing because we have fallen for the misconceptions presented by our very own platform? Could the very thing that we believe is saving us be the biggest thing in our way?
I've chosen to stop avoiding, to stop running.
Yes, I am sad and yes, some days I feel like I'm not going to make it through to the next, but it is my responsibility as my individual self and as her legacy to function while maintaining grace and integrity. I refuse to allow grief to be an excuse for misconduct, failure, and isolation. I recognize that this process is everlasting, it will see its crests and troughs, but the current will always remain. I accept that this is my new life and now it is my responsibility to live it the way I have been taught to.
It's easy to waiver, I tell myself this stuff now and I feel so empowered and future oriented but then there are those days that the reality of this new life begins to cloud the optimism. This is expected and inevitable, so what would she say, "I'll figure it out, I just need to make a plan". And so I did.
What are you experiencing, feeling?
Diagnose yourself.
And now, how the hell are we going to fix this?
Define your interventions.
Commit to these lifestyle changes and become accountable for sustaining them.
(Two words we as humans are terrified of)
I've done this process three separate times, each time with the same set of diagnoses and interventions, but it was not until I wrote this plan out for the third time, after realizing that my life circumstance cannot serve as an excuse to live a life that does not reflect who I am and what I was raised to promote, that I was able to actually commit and become accountable for it.
Changing trajectory is not easy, it requires a non judgmental understanding and acceptance that you, in fact, messed up, followed by the internalized desire and effort to make changes, the stamina to overcome temptation, and the confidence within yourself that you can, and you will, get better. I was falling apart at the seams, blaming any failure on my erratic and unpredictable emotions, and detouring from my values and morals.
Something finally clicked, and my need to get better finally became one that was fully internalized as I recognized its importance and necessity in my life.
Rebirth is different when it comes from you, from your own identified needs rather than from the "should's" of society.
It was a continuum consisting of:
"Mistakes are okay" âž¡
"You are not a bad person" âž¡
"You deserve happiness and respect" âž¡
"You are in control" âž¡
"Oh my gosh, I'M really in control, I can change this" âž¡
"Okay, I'm okay, I'm going to be okay"
Recognize, accept, regroup, reorganize, and facilitate.
Trust in yourself, in who you are, and the power you have to change.
We all have our own struggles. We will all hit our own version of rock bottom. Don't be ashamed, don't regret, and don't lie.
I am so thankful I hit my own rock bottom. What matters now is how I respond
"I don't know much but I know that things will never change if you keep doing the same thing the same way;
You gotta put in the hours to pay for the crime; you gotta sift through the water to get to the wine."
🎯