As much as we don't want to admit it, validation is a huge aspect of a relationship.
I used to say I just didn't feel loved, it didn't feel natural and it didn't feel genuine. Actions seemed rooted in himself rather than in us as a unit, nevertheless in me and my well being. The feeling of invalidation was one felt in my gut and eventually supported by many actions and iPhone notepad "what I want in a woman" notes. But, no matter how much I felt or saw, I stayed on the basis of "for now".
There are contingent "for now's"
I'll stay because he says he's going to do X, Y, and Z, and soon I won't be the one working and loving harder.
There are comfort "for now's"
I'll stay because I am vulnerable, because I feel alone, because he is the only person who "truly understands" me.
And then there are simply incomprehensible and utterly stupid and indefensible "for now's"
Well, he was unfaithful, and yeah he admits he's looking at other girls, and his dream girl consists of a "stable personal life" and "B to C boobs", but I think I'll stay, for now.
I'm not writing to harp on anyone's mistakes or tear anyone down.
I am writing to explore the idea of validation within a relationship and why we stay when it feels nonexistent to us.
Validation isn't materialistic, it's not based on looks or desires.
Rather, validation looks like a person's undoubtable respect and appreciation for another person as an individual. It is comprised of honest discussion, sincere and empathetic understanding, and genuine care and concern. When an individual is invalidated, thoughts, beliefs, and actions manifest in all sorts of ways.
Look at your partner, find sources of real validation, and observe how these sources play out in your relationship. At the end of the day as you sit cuddled up watching a movie and eating popcorn, you are comfortable and you are yourself, do you believe he truly loves you? Or are you a prop, a muse? Do you feel his heart at a distance, his eyes facing inward, and his mind distracted? Sitting there in his arms, with nothing inside you but love and appreciation, do you feel validated?