Honesty

I remember sitting in that dingy classroom, a circle of desks, and silence. "Just say how you feel", the instructor said. There would be days when we would go the whole two and a half hours with no words. Why was it so hard so simply open ourselves? Why was it so tempting to work and rework our expository statement in our brain but never have the guts to come out and actually say it?

We have been conditioned to say what we feel others want to hear. I'm used to walking through campus, headphones in and head down, torn apart by the darts life has thrown at me, and in reply to the intermittent "Hi how are you?" I unconsciously reply, "Good, how are you?" Could you imagine if I said "Not too good, I got some pretty bad news today" – how would my counterpart reply? Regardless of the degree of acquainted-ness, I think the surprise in my honesty alone would throw him or her for a loop expressed through a series of stutters and a surface level "I'm sorry" as our steps continue to grow further apart because we both live busy lives and the idea of stopping to address emotion in the roaring turbulence of every day commitments seems incomprehensible . . .

I used to blame society as a whole for this dynamic, but now I can proudly say, I blame myself.

I blame myself for not being honest with myself and my feelings:

For not having the mature skills of introspection to silence the music, confront my emotions, and voice them in a healthy way.

I blame myself for not being honest with my counterparts:

For not giving anyone a chance to step into my bubble and provide me support, friendship, and love.

Headphones in and head down is the equivalent of sitting in that classroom, silent for two and a half hours. It was a classroom of preoccupied individuals, suffering in our own individual ways, too afraid to admit a feeling to ourselves, and too hesitant to disrupt the energy we have so carefully worked to create around us in order to allow us to move forward in a day and not become stagnant as a result of our suffering. But then something changed – someone spoke – it may have been a trivial statement loaded with defense mechanisms and dishonest interpretation of emotions, but it was a start. Suddenly, that classroom became a safe space . . .

The semester continued and raw conversation flowed. My experiences with these individuals comprised of a mutual sharing of thoughts and emotions changed me and my understanding of the world around me. I came to realize that people might actually care about me, they might actually want to listen to me, to advise me, to comfort me, and to accept me. And I might want to do the same for them.

Implementing this outside that safe classroom though was indescribably difficult. My everyday counterparts have not had the same experiences we as a class have had, they have not themselves come to the realization that honesty is okay, and necessary in order to thrive as an individual and foster true relationships. I made it my personal mission to bring these lessons outside the classroom – I began to take the role as the seemingly superficial conversationalist asking "How are you", and if the reply was "Good", I would say, "No, but actually, how are you" with direct eye contact, an accepting smile, and planted feet. I began to truly see people, not because of the insecurities or troubling experiences they shared with me, but because I felt as though in that moment, whether it be good or bad, we were both two imperfect humans doing our best to grow, love, and live.

I began to slow down my mind, delay and maybe even dismay my judgments, and uproot my eagerness to maintain an image of perfection to myself and others around me. I opened up myself to myself – ripping off the tape that covered my vulnerabilities, admitting my hidden emotions and worst fears, confronting the suppressed intoxicating predispositions, and I came to accept each of these aspects as individual pieces comprising one cohesive self.

I opened up to myself and in turn, I became an honest and real person, one not afraid to feel, not afraid to share, and not afraid to love. The relationships I have fostered in the time since have served as rewarding and exponentiating because by becoming honest with myself through introspection, awareness, and acceptance, I have engaged in this same honesty, possessing these same qualities, with my counterparts.

And so, I challenge you then to sit with yourself, to be with yourself with no distractions, even if it is just that singular minute you have after work in your car before you muster up the energy to drive home, just sit and be. Don't think, but instead, feel. Breathe, and allow your emotions to flow through you. Recognize them, accept them, and voice them. Understand that it is okay to feel, and your feelings in this very moment represent who you are and what you are experiencing. Sit, be, feel, and voice.

And I dare you now to drive that 10, 30, 45 minutes home, with nothing -

no radio, no podcasts, no conversations - nothing.

"Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill; keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt".

I dare you to just sit there and drive, to just be.

I promise you that you will feel uncomfortable.

I promise you that you will feel anxious and antsy.

I promise you that you will feel empty.

Emptiness - what does that really mean?

I can feel empty because I believe I am missing something, or I can feel empty because I am simply existing, experiencing every day, every hour, every moment, in singularity. I am open to any and all thoughts that come through my uncomfortable and anxious mind when I am empty. I am more alive than ever as I wipe my mind of predispositions, leaving nothing but nothingness - "It is the emptiness that holds whatever we want". My limitations are rectified and contrasts are forgotten - the world around me is suddenly in balance, in harmony. Rather than simply reacting to the world, to its constructed desires, contingencies, and inventions, I will be empty, my mind will be raw and untouched, and I will be open and willing to receive the world in its most natural form.

It is only through this honest understanding of yourself, of your experience and your emotion, that you are able to grow as an individual and develop true and meaningful relationships with others. You are on the cusp of becoming through this continual process of embracing your humanity – engage with yourself, show honest love and compassion for yourself, and the received reciprocation will come almost inevitably.

"If you want to be full, let yourself be empty."