Falling Out

I think I feel like I am stuck more than I ever actually am;

like I'm trapped with no option of getting out so I must push through

even if that means jeopardizing happiness and contentment.

I get so invested in people that once I realize that maybe I am no longer passionate about that someone I feel like I am too far-gone to make adjustments. I owe it to myself and to that person to carry on and withstand continuous and tumultuous storms, don't I? I have so much past with this person, so many memories, and we know each other so well, when these incompatibility clues show up I just need to think of all the good times and let those memories cushion the blow, right? We have so many future plans, fantasizing about our honeymoon, verbally constructing our dream house, and picking out names for our four kids, why would I ever consider leaving him? It's my responsibility to put in everything I have to this relationship, to try my hardest to work through these fundamental and critical relationship issues, and not question us a pair because “we love each other so much”...

You've got to be kidding me, right?

It is my "responsibility"?

Just because I have put in 1, 2, or 8 years into a relationship does not mean that it is a responsibility of mine to keep things smooth and peppy by suppressing major interpersonal flaws. If I am unhappy, if I see aspects that I don't like, that I can't envision in my future, if I notice our fundamental values are diverging and your understanding of me and my expectations is undoubtedly temporary, I do not NEED to stay.

There is a point of emotional maturity when you stop comparing your partner to other people, stop idolizing other relationships and distressing that your partner isn’t as perfect as them. Instead, you focus on yourself, and your own individual role in that relationship. You determine what it is that you contribute, what values you uphold, and what goals you have for the future. When you are aware of your impact on the other person you are able to decipher what you need in return from them. If you love with an unconditional heart, put your partner before yourself, and have hopes of caring for him or her through the best and worsts of times, you hope he or she returns these favors. Relationships get lost here because we as a society are rarely introspective, we rarely look into our own souls and determine how we are being perceived or understood. We have a tendency to blame others and compare as we strive for a concept of perfection that does not exist. The only perfection we can hope to achieve in a relationship is the type that is individually and subjectively constructed for you and your partner. So strive to find your own individual version of “perfection” by looking into your own heart and figuring out what it is that you provide your partner with, physically and emotionally. I was giving a lot, I was giving up a lot, and I was loving with my whole heart because that is who I am. By recognizing who I was in the relationship, I realized inconsistencies in reciprocation, and the right decision was finally staring me in the face...

I used to equate leaving a relationship to quitting, and I have never been a quitter, so I always stayed, and stayed, and stayed until eventually my suppressed unhappiness monopolized the interactions and he would leave me.

I'm seeing now though that leaving is not even close to quitting.

Leaving is recognizing that something isn't right; that the dyad isn't working, and that I am unhappy. This last part – recognizing true unhappiness – is the hardest part. It's easy to go gossip with your friends about how he is ___________, ____________, and ___________, but then recognizing in yourself that those qualities he possesses are tainting your happiness in the relationship, coming to terms with the fact that as much as you talk about your issues and your expectations you cannot change who he is fundamentally, no matter how much you love him, that is the most difficult part. But when you work through the roller coaster of emotions that encompass this recognition and admission, you are tempted to be honest with yourself. You are tempted to ask yourself, “Is this really what I want? Is he really the one for me?”

Yes, you have devoted time and effort and money,

you have invested your whole being into trying to make this work,

but even after all of that, you are still sitting here uncertain of your trajectory.

How do you get over the fact that you have wasted precious time on something or someone who didn't work out?

You realize that the time spent was not in the least bit wasted.

1st:

This time allowed you to gain experience, about yourself, another individual, and the needs and wants of each of you. By being with this person you learned, you grew, and you loved.

2nd:

Just because this time was spent between “you two” in a romantic relationship does not mean that the memories are exclusive to this relationship. When you move on from this partner you will not need to separate from these memories. You engaged in these experiences as an individual and it just so happens that you shared them with a significant other. These are YOUR experiences; they encompass moments in YOUR life and should be held in the same regard as all other memories – there is no need to confront them with anger, resentment, or sadness.

The only thing we truly “owe” to another individual is kindness and honesty. By denying your feelings of unhappiness and feeding incompatibility you are not respecting your partner or yourself. I was failing to recognize my own wants, my needs, and my goals for a relationship as I lingered in this limbo of discontentment and “he’s okay” for what seemed like eternity. This is not me being a pompous brat; it is not me setting my standards too high or expecting too much. This is me being introspective and honest. This is me respecting myself and my well being. And so I recognize, I admit, and I adjust.

Leaving, letting go, breaking up, whatever you want to call it, is not quitting;

it is recognizing that the pieces to the puzzle simply do not fit together anymore,

and having the courage to walk away from it.

When you are honest and you respect yourself and your well being you no longer have strings attached to your actions. You are not afraid and you do not feel obligated anymore, you are not flooded with “what if’s”, and you will not linger with regrets because you have attained a rare level of self awareness and understanding of yourself that for certain reflects your true feelings and desires.

You begin acting for yourself, for your sanity and your emotional stability rather than focusing on pleasing another person and maintaining the beautiful chaos you two have created out of “responsibility”. You are autonomous, and through autonomous and introspective decision-making, you are suddenly happy.