Stay Beautiful

Dear Mommy,

There is no question I am still in shock. You were sick for five years but never let it show so no one ever entertained the thought of you leaving us. When it came time to say goodbye, I said what I felt I needed to say, but still I believed it was all in vein – you weren’t leaving.

I’ve never known loss until now and I can’t even put the experience into words. Life serves us with many challenges, and when you first got sick, it was simply a challenge to be solved. Together, our family worked to make you feel loved, appreciated, and healthy. We promoted your cause and held hands in your fight. Maybe your illness did truly have a solution for some time, marked by love, medicine, and livelihood, and that made functioning during its process manageable. But then things changed, and I experienced something I have never before – a literally unsolvable challenge – no matter what was done, as a family, as a team of health care providers, and as you as an individual, your fate was inevitable.

So what do you do at that point?

What do you do when the life of the person you love the most in this entire world is coming to a close?

I guess you drop everything, at least that’s what I did. I guess you talk to the person about previously untouched fears, about life without her, and about your communal faith in her process of dying. I guess doing these things is supposed to make me think I’ve had enough time with her, like I have some ounce of control over the situation because we are “preparing” each other. No amount of time, talking, or even extent of illness could have prepared me for losing you, mommy.

I sit, surrounded by people, the world functioning and moving forward, but I am paralyzed in thought, emotion, and movement. I promised you I would be “okay”, that I too would move forward, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I start thinking and my brain is bombarded with flashbacks, the best and the worst of times. I start feeling and my emotions are clouded with disbelief that you’re gone, sadness that I feel you physically or abstractly, and devastation that I have to continue my life here on this earth without you, that I have to graduate nursing school, get married, and have my children, all without you by my side. I start moving and with every step my pace slows, my feet begin to drag, and the desire to sit in a shriveled ball overwhelms me.

Every day I wonder if you can see me:

Waking up and missing you, driving and singing, working and smiling,

spending time and experiencing, learning and loving.

I wonder if you can hear me:

"Good morning mommy, how are those wings today?", "I have a test today, please be at my side",

"I'm seeing someone special today, let me know what you think!",

"Thank you for being such an amazing mom", "Goodnight mommy, I love you".

I wonder about you, and I wonder about me about me:

Are you safe, happy, and free from pain; will I truthfully be okay?

I wonder about us:

What will our relationship look like, in what and in who I will see you,

how often and in what circumstances will I hear you…

I was looking out at the water the other day, the waves crashing up against the rocks and the smooth sounds of tranquility. The sun was setting and I could feel your heart within me. In an attempt to try to find some sort of stability, I fixate on the horizon, as it remains untouched by the moving world around it. Chaos stems from it like extremities off a person’s center. I feel you and I see you in that horizon.

You have given me the foundation to build my life upon as the horizon has done for this scene. You have taught me right from wrong, good from bad. You have shown me what it means to be a true friend, beloved mother, and cherished wife. Through your own battles, you have given me the strength to fight even in the toughest of circumstances. You have blessed my life every single day with that incredible laugh and infectious smile. And most importantly mommy, through your thoughts and actions, you have taught me how to love, and how to love well.

I sit here amidst a world of chaos, internally as I attempt to comprehend your departure into Heaven, and externally with the waves almost reaching my feet and the colors of the sunset enhancing and diminishing with each second that passed by. But at the center of this chaos is you – it is the foundation you have instilled within me – a foundation made up of kindness, strength, and love.

You may not be physically beside me anymore, and the feelings of loss, circumstances of change, and overall sense of unsteadiness may seem overwhelming, but I must have faith that this foundation you have built for me and with me, will serve as my place of stability and guidance, carried within my heart forever.

And so I wonder, but I don't worry:

I don't worry because I know you are up there, closer to me than ever before.

I don't worry because I know you are safe in the hands of God,

because you are my Guardian Angel and I am your legacy, and with that we are forever intertwined.

Before you left I admitted to you that I didn't know if I would be okay without you. You wouldn't accept this answer. Since you have left, every second of my life has been infused with you. I know you are with me every second of every day. I know I make you proud with every move I make. I know that you are free of pain and suffering, safe in the hands of God. With this, I know you will never allow me to be “not okay” without you, you will be in my heart and my mind every second of every day.

Ernest Hemingway wrote,

“I was thinking too much about how I didn't want you to go,

I didn’t want to kiss you good Bye – that was the trouble –

I wanted to kiss you good Night – and there is a lot of a difference.”

And so I wont kiss you good Bye, mommy, I will kiss you good Night, just like every other night, because I will see you again. I will pray to you every day and hold your life within my heart. Please watch me, instruct me, and most importantly, love me. I will never forget you, I will never forget us, and I will allow the love that we shared to serve as my guiding light for the rest of my life until we meet again.

"Angel of God, my Guardian Dear, to whom God’s love commits me here

Ever this day, be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide" Amen.

I miss you more with every day that passes and I love you mommy, forever and always.

Stay Beautiful, XOXO.

Love Always,

Natalie

I will see you again

This is not where it ends

I will carry you with me.