Conviction

Yesterday was a lot, and I almost called you.

The funny thing is, you probably don't even know who "you" are, and I don't either.

So many people have come into my life, encouraged me to feel vulnerable and accepted me in that vulnerability. You have left a long lasting impression of you on me, of your potential to care and to support and to love. The issue is, this is simply your potential, not a true actualization of action...

______ _____ _____ _____

When I feel scared, or lonely, I go back to you.

Why?

Because at one point in my life, you were able to remedy these feelings

and your presence made me feel like a void had been filled.

But where are you now?

______ _____ _____ _____

I'm not reprimanding you for leaving.

I understand that people are pulled in different directions and relationships are ever changing.

However, I am reprimanding myself.

Why, in these times of fear or loneliness, am I so concerned with the absence of a presence from a person who felt okay with allowing me to fall off their priority list? Maybe I'm distracting myself - focusing on a person who will never come around is a prime distraction from the real feelings happening in front of me - but in the end I am left with greater feelings of distress from you, compounded by previously unaddressed, realistic feelings. I know what I want, and I know what I deserve, but I think sometimes when I am put in a

<hard • convoluted • confusing • trying • exhausting • sad > place,

I lose the conviction to hold to these identified ideals.

And so I am reprimanding myself, in the least harsh, and most constructive way possible, to not let go of my convictions.

I am reminding myself that you haven't asked about my family in almost a year,

I am remembering the displeasing actions you performed,

and I am accepting the string of unanswered text messages, simply asking for a friend out of you.

Again, I'm not blaming you for letting go - the decisions you make are your own, rooted in something, regardless if I can identify that something or not, and I have learned that dissecting these decisions will only leave me more confused and unhealthily distracted. Instead, I am indirectly reminding myself of my worth, of what I deserve, and the human traits I want to find in friends and companions.

Situations, no matter what the magnitude, if they stir up feelings I am uncomfortable with, ones that make me feeling exposed, scared, alone, or simply, empty, I tend to forget these convictions. I forget what you did, how you made me feel, and who you are - I forget every reason why I needed to forget you as I grasp for security.

Our past in not regrettable, it is not a source of anger or resentment, but it does include some feelings of disappointment, as any endings do. I am disappointed that our paths have diverged, that things are the way that they are now presently, but I am accepting that we as a dyad have changed in function, and maybe even ceased to have a function. I am urging myself to remember this, to not reach for you in times of struggle, to hold strong to what I know - about you, and about myself, what I need, want, and deserve.

"You" are not a singular person, "you" may not even be tangible at times, but "you" have challenged me to reestablish my competence in experiencing my emotions and most importantly, to reassert confidence in myself.